Modern Military Anecdotes
Jeff Zaun in Iraq
from Trevor at Waterloo Battlefield Tours
Extract from "Tornado Down" by John Peters and John
Nichol, describing how one American airman, Jeff Zaun, refused to compromise his
dietary principles in the midst of appalling mental and physical treatment,
including alleged torture, meted out by his Iraqi captors during the Gulf War.
They must have wondered each day whether they would live to see another dawn.
"We were still handcuffed, blindfolded, the rifle butts resting on our
backs, with the occasional tap on the skull to keep our heads low. They brought
tea along for us......... They offered some to Jeff Zaun. 'Do you want tea?'
'No, Sir,' he replied emphatically, in that polite tone Americans reserve for
something they detest. Nonplussed, the Iraqi officer stepped back. How could
this prisoner who had had no food or drink for two days refuse hot, sweet tea?
'Why do you not want tea? It is OK, there is nothing wrong with it. Look, I will
drink some.' 'No, Sir. I cannot drink tea. It's bad for you. It has caffeine in
it.'"
A Naval Anecdote
from Captain (N ) G J Oman
Not to be out done by my good friend Trevor at Waterloo Tours, I
am reminded of a long and tedious planning meeting where the main objection was
we did not have enough sailors to complete the mission. We were stopped in our
tracks when a very senior CPO stated.
" We have to dance with the girls we've got."
One of mine...
When I was on basic training at Helles Barracks (aptly named), Catterick Garrison, I was in 2 Troop. 2 Troop seemed to be unable to master the basic rudiments of drill on the parade ground and Corporal Conway (our drill instructor) was predictably, distressed!
After a particularly trying session of trying to master turning right-about whilst marching, Corporal Conway gave way and vented his spleen upon the assembled troop. Unfortunately for him, he wore dentures (although we had never caught on to this). As he reached the zenith of a masterpiece of invective and alliteration (using the letter 'f'), he managed to eject his false teeth at least ten feet across the parade ground. This resulted in him saying:
"Yew barftardf, now fee wot yew made me dew!!!!"
The Household Cavalry
from David at Waterloo Veterans Index & Information
From a letter
found in a recruit's locker in 1971 (taken from "The Acorn",
magazine of the Household Cavalry).
"I arrived safely at the Depot and shall be here
for fourteen weeks or more training to be a soldier. It's bad here: they
kick us; beat us and make us run around like dogs. They all shout and
scream and use language like you've never heard before. That information
officer was lying - it's just the same now as it was a hundred years
ago. Nearly every week someone runs away - one of our Troop disappeared on
Monday"
The locker was being searched after it's owner had gone absent!
The Ghurkas
from Trevor at Waterloo Battlefield Tours
Extract from “Johnny Gurkha” by
E.D. Smith :-
There were, of course, certain aspects of life in the British Army which
the Gurkhas found difficult, especially when selected to be Mess waiters
in an officers’ mess. One amusing menu was recorded by an officer, who,
after being given ‘scream blood eggs’ for breakfast, said it was no
surprise, later that day, to be faced with a dinner consisting of :
Clear Soap
Fried Seoul
Rust Beef
Yak Shirt Pudding
Mushed Potato
Kabaj
Prun on Toast
Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes performance ratings as Officer Fitness Reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are excerpts taken from actual '206's'
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this Officer.
This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won't-be.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot
was previously in there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope- always spinning around at a
frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he
has aged considerably.
This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port,
and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
Crowd trouble in Cyprus
from Major Reg Pearce, REME
Whilst serving during the Cyprus emergency in the 1950s, I was asked by the commander of the Royal Military Police to adapt a vehicle for specific use in crowd control. We attached to the front of a Land Rover a pair of metal wings, which were electrified to the tune of 75,000 volts. The MP Colonel owned a large Great Dane, which was his constant companion. During a demonstration of the potential of the vehicle, the dog decided to urinate against the front wings. When the stream of urine reached the electrified mesh, a circuit was created and a blue spark, several inches long, jumped from the mesh to the unfortunate animal’s penis, causing him to abandon his toilet in double quick time.